I apologize again for not writing a column for the last two weeks. I moved the weekend before last and hadn’t got my computer and internet set-up in time. In fact I didn’t even watch RAW the week before last as my television hadn’t been set-up yet; which is a shame because I would have loved to see Cena get his a$$ kicked by Rhoades, Manu, Orton, and Jericho (with the old-school Walls of Jericho) live. It was, and is, my intention to make this a weekly column and I will do my best to return to that intention in the future.

Who has seen the trailer for the new Darren Aronofsky film “The Wreslter?” This thing just looks amazing. I personally can’t wait to see it. I hope they show it in a market somewhere near where I live. Apparently it made Roddy Piper weep like a child, and there quite a bit of early Oscar buzz for Micky Rourke’s performance. From what I can tell this picture has the potential to symbolize mainstream America’s acceptance of wrestling as the performance based, ultra-violent variety show that it is. I think this will be the first feature film to touch on the realities of pro-wrestling that is neither denigrating nor overtly critical. I heard one critic for NPR saying how the film's one major flaw is its graphic violence which is gruesome and makes the audience uncomfortable. He noted that one wrestler uses a staple gun on his opponent. Well, whoop-de-doo. Those of us who’ve been long time fans of pro-wrestling, who remember the old ECW, who have seen real Death Matches from Japan, CZW, and otherwise, will not be shocked by this level of violence. If anything I’m glad this film exposes those brutalities performed for our entertainment to the mainstream crowd. Further, I wonder what effect this film will have on Vince and the WWE, and the world of wrestling in general. Will ROH garner a national audience with its representation in the film? I hope so. Either way, a lot of people have been waiting for a film like this for a long time. I hope it can get a full theatrical release. What are your thoughts on the film? Is anyone out there as excited about it as I am?

So last week on RAW we saw the return of WWE’s Slammys. I’ve always thought this was a good idea, as I believe it was originally born out of the idea that the WWF was supposed to be the NFL or WBO of wrestling. By that I mean that when Vince Jr. took the WWE to the national level in the mid to late ‘80s, he did so by producing cheap programming for the burgeoning cable-television medium and promoting his company as the international authority and governing body of wrestling (a function that was actually served by the NWA, the father company of WWE, WCW, ECW, TNA, etc.). Now I like this concept, but you can’t actualize it by maintaining a single roster and writing out a program fully every week. You’d have to have several “meaningless” matches that serve as apparent ranking deciders. In other words, your writing would have to be more subtle and the stories more competition based. The WWE and nearly every American wrestling promotion ever is a long way from actualizing this concept, so we’ll forget that for the moment. I still like the Slammys though because they proceed as if the WWE was the governing authority of wrestling in the world and acts as if there were no independent companies outside of the WWE. So, while the WWE arrogantly names Match and Wrestler (scratch, Superstar) of the Year, it reinforces the idea that the WWE is wrestling. As far as I’m concerning, buying into this idea makes being a WWE fan more gratifying. So, I’d down with the Slammys, even if it is all just a gimmick. But then again, what in wrestling isn’t?

So Armageddon has come and gone and what a PPV it was. Obviously the biggest story coming out of last Sunday is the fact that Jeff Hardy is now the new WWE champion. While I am impressed by Vince and crew’s willingness to take a chance on a non-typical champion like Jeff Hardy, and by Jeff’s own achievements as a performer, I must say that I never pictured Jeff Hardy as a top-guy title holder. He just doesn’t look like WWE champion material to me. Don’t get me wrong, I do like Jeff Hardy and am most often thrilled by his matches, but with his relatively small frame and his tendency to oversell (even his own maneuvers), he looks to me like someone Triple H could Pedigree into oblivion on a whim. Compared to guys like Kozlov, Undertaker, Cena, Batista, Triple H, Edge, Kane, etc., Jeff Hardy is a runt. A great performer, but a runt. In today’s WWE, I see Jeff Hardy’s role similar to that of RVD’s in the ECW of the mid-90’s. Jeff Hardy is the kind of wrestler I could see dominating the mid-card for years, while regularly inserting himself into main event story lines and hovering on the brink of the WWE title. Earlier this week Mr. Trev Winters asked: “Is this a step in the right direction for the federation to actually give us fans what we want?” I’d say yes and no. Yes, it is a step in the right direction for Vince to try something new. No, it is not a step in the right direction putting the title on Jeff Hardy. Not a bad decision, but not the best in my view. I feel like you could keep Jeff chasing the title indefinitely, slowly building a frustrated momentum towards a huge title win at a signature PPV event (Wrestlemania, Royal Rumble, SummerSlam, etc.). If anything, I feel like the WWE just blew their load a little early on Jeff Hardy, and now they're in a sticky situation. Here's Vince's problem: Keep the title on him and make the rest of your truly heavyweight roster look weak, or have him drop the title thus demoting him to “transition champion” status the rest of his career. WWE could have used Jeff better in this time and place, but I’ll be very interested to see how his reign plays out over the coming weeks/months.

So much for a rant on Smackdown related events. Appetizer’s over, let’s get on with the main course…

Turgid Worm’s RAW Impressions:
Allow me to state that from the start this Kane/Kelly angle is stupid. We’ve seen Kane involved in strange romantic angles with Divas before and every second devoted to such an angle is a waste of time. It never gets anybody over. I doubt any wrestling fan cares about fake love interests beyond the fact that it may provide some momentary soap-opera-like distraction. I’m not happy about this angle and if I weren’t such a serious columnist I’d fast forward through any Kany segment as long as this angle is run.

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: Scrap this angle and give Kane some kind of angle against someone like CM Punk or turn him face and have him take on Dolf Ziggler. This angle with Kelly is just garbage and I don’t want to watch it.

While I like the fact that they are trying to do something with Deuce, aka Sim Snuka, its pretty obvious that the only reason he is not presently pursuing future endeavors is that his last name is Snuka. It is interesting though to see how they conducted Sim’s “transformation.” Its not too often you see a wrestler change his gimmick by coming out and saying “I’m someone else now.” Based on this match it looks like Sim’s got some natural talent and ability. While he is talented and I don’t want to take anything away from that, can’t a wrestler get a push in the WWE without having a dad in the business before him?
Turgid Is As Turgid Does: Being that Rhoades and Manu were at ringside for Snuka’s match and assisted him in the bout, I was expecting Sim to join the Legacy group all night on Monday. While this isn’t a bad idea, I feel like WWE is making itself out to having an open door for any 2nd or 3rd generation wrestler in the business, and the Legacy stable represents that attitude. I mean, if Sim joins in with Orton, whats keeping Harry Smith and Natalya Neidhart for joining? And, what’s keeping Reid and David Flair, Teddy Hart, or Joe Hennig from joining the WWE? I would keep Sim out of the Legacy, making him perhaps the lone world 2nd generation guy, choosing honor and respect over cheating and underhandedness. Maybe he could be a mid-card opponent for Manu or Rhoades to feud with while Orton takes on the top dogs.

Pardon me if you’re an unconditional DX fan, but I find the DX infomercial/QVC vignettes to be utterly pathetic. The idea was cool when the nWo did it, but with HBK and HHH as the 3rd or 4th rehashing of an old gimmick, making fun of themselves and their angle, the whole thing makes me want to change the channel. When the now did it, it was as if this outlaw organization had bought time of TBS during WCW programming to sell merchandise you weren’t supposed to buy, unendorsed by the WCW. HHH and HBK just seem like dopey WWE salesman shilling crap that is neither relevant nor valuable. Both HHH and HBK have moved in the personal lives and on-screen careers, and while an occasional DX reunion is good for a nostalgic pop, the whole angle should be dropped. DX was cool and exciting originally, but now it is just dumb.

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: This might not earn me any bonus points from some of you guys, but I wouldn’t be heartbroken if we never saw HHH and HBK is DX gear again. The WWE should allow a new group of stars to play the role DX did in the mid-nineties.

I know that there are several columnists on TWNP that are excited about the Legacy or Legendary Legacies group as they’ve been formed. While RAW could definitely a solid heel faction now and while Manu, Rhoades, and Orton work well together as a group, this faction has yet have its defining “coming out” moment. They’ve sort of joined together as a matter of coincidence or necessity, but they haven’t proclaimed their union or purpose yet. Maybe after the end of Monday’s show with Batista getting his head booted in, we could have a segment next week where Orton and company get the opportunity to explain themselves, and their new group.

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: This group really needs to establish themselves as a cohesive, dominate, monster heel faction.

Miz/Morrison and Punk/Kingston always put on good matches. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, these four guys are the probably some of the best athletes and in-ring performers the WWE has right now. It is strange that Punk/Kingston dropped the tag-team titles to Miz/Morrison at a house show. This is not without precedence, as Bob Backlund dropped the WWE title to Diesel at a house show (in a 5 second match, mind you) in the mid-nineties. This case seems particularly unusual though, and I can come up with only 3 possible reasons for the house show title change. First, perhaps in an effort to increase live event ticket sales, WWE decided to prove its claim to an “anything’s possible” environment at its shows. This move does make it seem like the next time they advertise a title match at a house show something big is more likely to happen. Not very likely, but still possible. Second, CM Punk is likely to win the IC title soon and they needed to get the Tag Belt off of him quickly. This scenario seems improbable as the Regal/Punk match is probably going to take place at the PPV which meant they had time during a RAW to make the title switch. And thus I must discredit my own theory. Third, in an effort to improve ratings they decided to put the belts on the heels at maybe the WWE has noticed that the Tag Titles garner more attention then their being chased by faces. What do you think? Do tag titles simply work better on heels? I once went to a indy-show and a local high school gym and the tag champs of that promotion had held the apparently titles for 4 years. They took up nearly 45 minutes of the show with all kinds of dastardly tricks, finally screwing the face challengers and stealing yet another title defense, and the crowd ate it up. I can only guess that maybe Vince wants the tag titles on the heels for this purpose, in addition to other reasons I’ve mentioned and those I know nothing of.
Turgid Is As Turgid Does: Keep the titles on Miz and Morrison for a while. I’m not sure what kind of angle they’re getting ready to pursue with Kane and Miz, but whatever it is it will probably be stupid. Also, its probably about time we had at least one other real face tag team on Raw, maybe hook Sim with Hardcore Holly or something.

I knew this feud was going to be good and I must say I am really liking this angle they’re running with HBK and JBL, and here’s why. First, its topical, drawing upon real life headlines to pull in the audience and give the angle an air of actuality. Second, its personal. Shawn’s speech at Armageddon was perfect for this angle and its clear that this is the type of thing he does best. He mentioned how he doesn’t want to be the wrestler “limping into the high school gym,” which, again, adds some true realism to the angle. Good stuff. Third, its gripping. We love HBK, and we don’t want to see him succumb to the dark side, but because of the financial difficulty a lot of us are facing, he has to. It is an internal drama they’ll be able to play out for weeks. Fourth, and finally, it has so far been well performed. If JBL and HBK came come close to touching the emotional drama they’ve created with their in-ring performances in this feud, we should be in for one great feud. This is a smart angle that harkens back to the kind of programming written around the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase in the early/mid-90’s. It will be interesting to see how this relationship between JBL and HBK works out with all the humiliating/immoral things JBL is going to make HBK do.
Turgid Is As Turgid Does: The only thing this angle needs to make it more entertaining to for JBL to surround himself with a heel stable of other “employees, that he will force HBK to job to and whom HBK will eventually destroy on his way to getting JBL in a big blow-off. JBL used to have Amy Weber and Orlando Jordan, I don’t see why he couldn’t hire guys like Mike Knox, or Mark Henry, or maybe even MVP. Maybe JBL could start “buying” up guys from all 3 shows to have a cross-roster stable that all earn money for/from JBL and do his bidding. Either way, this thing’s got a lot of potential.

The only thing I’ll say about Monday’s main event is that Batista and Cena can’t wrestle. Both had noticeable botches in the match, including one from Cena where he moved out of the way from one of Rhoades’ knee drops but sold it as if it connected, while it obviously missed in plain view. Also, doesn’t Cody Rhoades look better and better the more we see of him? I wish I could say the same about Buttista and Cena’nuff.

Turgid Is As Turgid Does: Do I even have to say it? Fire the jabronis and put some more real wrestlers to work.

Thanks again for reading. I wish all of you happy holidays and a super new year… and remember: if its worth doing, its worth doing with turgidity.

Peace